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Snoog
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Movie Review: Laser Mission
« Thread Started on Oct 4, 2005, 11:22am »

Laser Mission (1990)
[aka Soldier Of Fortune]
Stars: Brandon Lee, Debi Monahan, Ernest Borgnine, Graham Clarke
Directed By: Beau Davis
Running Time: 84 Minutes

Ah, Laser Mission…one of the all time greats of cinema, the very movie that every other action film since has tried to emulate, tried to re-capture that epic scale and excitement. No not really, it’s one of the worst films I’ve ever seen, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t see it, quite the opposite actually.

This has lingered at the back of my video cuboard for years, recently I was bored out of my mind and decided to give it another watch as I couldn’t really remember much about it, I hadnt watched it for about 9 or 10 years.

The story is quite simple, some Russians have gotten their hands on some sort of super diamond, that has the ability to power a mega-laser which could destroy stuff in a rather nifty and powerful way…but in order to build this colossal laser, they need laser expert Professor Braun, played by The Borgnine. The CIA send mercenary Michael Gold (Lee) to search for Professor Braun in an effort to try and get him on America’s side, and keep him out of reach of the Russians…but this plan falls apart in about 10 minutes, as Braun is kidnapped and Gold is thrown in a Cuban prison.

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Gold escapes his sentence of decapitation by breaking out of prison and killing every guard he comes across and even sending one of them to the guillotine. Oh sweet irony!

He makes his way to the American embassy where he meets up with the smarmy CIA bastards. They want him now to rescue Braun with the aid of his daughter Alissa…As Gold tells the bastards, “it’s a suicide mission”. Oh yes, yes it is.

And there you have it; your basic clichéd action movie/Bond rip off is underway.

I understand how critics can come across as being very smarmy and “snobbish” when they do a review with the sole intention of taking the piss, but this has to be done. And besides as much as I think this is a terrible movie, I actually love it, its shortcomings are what make it so damn entertaining. So to show you the genius of this film, I shall guide you through it scene by scene, in case you never get a chance to see it…

This could be quite long; you have been warned.

* The opening, the stealing of said super diamond. Well the exterior shots look like they were filmed in a back-alley somewhere in 80’s London…don’t ask me why, it’s just the vibe I get. And when the masked diamond thieves make their way into the building, one of them shoots off his gun randomly…I get the feeling he was meant to kill someone but they forgot/couldn’t be arsed to film it. It’s not a warning shot, because everyone is unconscious from the sleeping gas that was contained in the champagne…yes.

* Oh and we can’t forget the marvellous theme song that plays during the credits, “Mercenary Man” by David Knophler (brother of Mark) which also plays about 10 fucking times throughout the movie, seriously. It contains such lyrics as “in the violence of the night” “his heart beats like a hammer” and of course “he’s a mercenary man!”

* Golds escape from the Cuban prison is fantastic shite. First he kicks his prison door, which then hits the guard, who is waiting there with a knife…and it actually looks like it really hurt the guy. Of course Gold grabs the knife and slashes the guard across the face with it, bit brutal there Gold, calm yourself. He then throws the knife and some guy, sticks in his chest and spurts a bit of claret. Gold gets himself a gun and sneaks up on some guy who just seems to be filling up the stock cupboard. I never fail to go into hysterics at this part, the guy stops and kinda pauses and seems to think “should I run…I mean I’m only the caretaker”…No, no…Gold will not let you escape little man, you will be knocked out with the butt of his gun and scream for an unusually long time. I wasn’t aware that people scream whilst they are knocked out. It’s seriously odd, it’s like his nuts are being tortured with pliers. Then there’s the classic decapitation, which is just pointless and seems like they just did it for the fuck of it. It’s all quick cuts and looks censored (it’s even shorter on the American release). I’m sure the director was thinking this would make Gold look like a hard-ass action hero who takes no prisoners, but he ends up looking like a death-lusting psychopath. A word of warning too, the bass of the score on this scene will kill your speakers.

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* Next up we have the meeting with the CIA agents, which is chock full of crap dialogue and posturing. Gold says he’ll do the mission for free, see folks…death-lusting psychopaths can be nice too, remember that.

* Gold now gets on his best fake moustache and uniform and parachutes down into the jungle to meet some Cuban officers…Also, they spared no expense on language training for these actors…apparently Cubans only know how to say “Numero Uno” and “Pour Vavour”…. oh and “Loco!”. Anyway, Gold tricks the dim-witted soldiers into giving him their truck, and off he goes into the “violence of the night”. Truth be told, Brandon Lee is actually quite funny in this scene.

* Gold gets to a hotel, still in his soldier garb, tells the receptionist to charge his room to the Cuban government…at this point we get a close up of the receptionist who says “Perhaps when you go…you can make some money”…Yeah, I don’t know what the hell he’s on about either. Maybe it’s some attempt to get political and bash the Cubans, I don’t know, if so…Well done Beau, well done.

* Gold gets dressed up as an Arab beggar and contacts Alissa; they arrange to meet for dinner. Gold has a stroll over to The Borgnine's place and snoops around, but has to leave rather quickly as he gets chased by the Russians, the leader of which is called Col. Kalashnikov…christ. Here we have one of the cheesiest moments in the whole movie. As Gold is running across a rooftop, the clumsy bugger falls through the roof and onto the table of a couple eating dinner…he gets up, pops his hat back on and says “I just dropped in to say…bon apetite [cheesy grin]”…Oh Gold, you smooth talking sum’bitch. God bless ya.

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* Gold and Alissa meet for dinner that night, and then when they head off to meet some guy, it’s suddenly the middle of the day, either it was a damn long walk or the continuity guy was ill that day. Anyway, said guy dies and gives them a clue of some sort. Then we have a car chase, which is full of “comedy” from two soldiers who give the movie its lighter moments…and yes, you’ve guessed it, they aren’t funny in the slightest.

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* Around about this time we meet Eckart, some sort of hunter who is mates with Kalashnikov. He’s keeping The Borgnine at his house you see. And he frightens The Borgnine into co-operation by showing him his museum of human heads whilst gurning like a bastard in the background (keep an eye out for his reactions, pure gold). His collection of heads is really quite magnificent, one of which is wearing a woolly hat…another looks like Lon Chaney in Phantom Of The Opera.

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* Gold and Alissa are now stranded in the desert. They spend the night in some guys camp before he randomly fucks off the next morning, only for Gold to utter a bewildering line to Alissa, “Maybe he already did you a favour and I just don’t know it”…What the hell is that supposed mean? Alissa looks as confused as the viewer at this point.

* Meanwhile, Eckart and Kalashnikov have hired a bunch of killers to track them down. And he comes one badly executed action scene after another. One stupid guy who jumps out with a machete and gets shot, another on horseback, which seems to last forever…and finally, we have a cameo from the films director as a guy who is apparently so damn tough, he just takes his time and jogs towards them when they spot him. Gold manages to hide in the sand and the two have a fight, ending with Gold snapping his opponents’ neck, which we get to see from under a horse…Lovely cinematography.

* The two take the horse and make there way to a town and check into a hotel, telling the bellboy on entering to “feed him (the horse) and park him around back would ya (cheesy grin)”…Take note of the bellboys face, utter confusion…and I don’t mean the character, I mean the actor.

* They get into their room, and Gold calls up reception asking them how long it will take them to press there clothes. “3 hours?” he pervs at Alissa “Could you make that 5 hours?”…The ego on this guy, first he thinks she wants to shag him, and then he reckons he can keep it up for five hours. I doubt even Rocco Sefredi could keep going for five fucking hours.

* After a marathon fuck session (which of course we don’t see) Kalashnikov and some nameless goon arrive at the hotel looking for “Mikael Gold”. After some “about to piss myself laughing” style acting from the receptionist and a very strange piece of dubbing which doesn’t match (“TELL ME!!”) the two of them realise Alissa has just nicked their car.

* A little later we see Gold wandering around the room, waiting for Alissa to return. The phone rings, it is Alissa who has apparently killed Eckart and is waiting for Gold…Of course its all a damn trick, and Kalashnikov has a gun to her head. Gold makes his way to Eckart’s crib, and falls into a trap in about a minute…for a “mercenary man” he’s fucking useless.

* Gold is now tied up, along with The Borgnine…In comes Eckart being a smarmy little shit. He unties Gold and says some bollocks about “giving his prey a chance to survive”…The two have a scuffle, which leads up to the roof. The badly edited fight ends with the two of them plummeting to the ground below…Eckart is impaled on an iron fence (which is probably the best effect in the whole movie, tis rather nice) and Gold has hit the ground, but acts like he’s just fallen over during a game of tennis and winded himself slightly.

* Gold makes his way back into the house, when out of nowhere comes some fuckin Ninja type guy, accompanied by a fricken oriental “GONG” sound effect, surely they’re taking the pish now…But no, they’re deadly serious folks. Thankfully Gold dispatches of the little piss ant Ninja in about 10 seconds by snapping his spine and then goes to free The Borgnine….

* …who is asleep in his chair, I’m not actually sure if this was in the script or Borgnine was that bored that he was falling asleep between takes, seriously check it out for yourselves, his reaction when Gold comes into the room seems like genuine surprise. They head off to some mines or something where the Russians are searching for more diamonds.

* Alissa is now tied to a chair near the mines, and Kalashnikov is having his wicked way with her…no, not that, he’s chucking diamonds down her cleavage (by this time you’re really thankfull that her breasts have something to do, as they spend most of the movie trying to pop out of her skimpy dress). But when he tries to get a bit frisky, she kicks him in the nuts. Gold and Borgnine arrive and begin to clean house, it’s an awesome sight to see The Borgmeister carrying a shotgun.

* Kalashnikov manages to shoot Gold in one of those “I’ll be fine in 2 minutes” places on the body that only exist in the movies, but Alissa arrives and stops any further shootings. Alissa declares she’ll take care of him and marches Kalash’ off at gunpoint. But a few minutes later, he’s managed to wrestle himself free. Alissa floors him and runs whilst Kalash’ declares “I CANNOT VEE VEATEN VY A VOMAN!” and gives chase. Look at his little legs go!

* Gold arrives on the scene as Kalash’ has Alissa hostage, Gold being the death-lusting psycho that he is takes his chance and shoots him to fuck, sending him down to the mines…And then he comes back (ah-ha bullet proof vest) he tries to shoot Gold again but a bomb blows up and seems to finish him off…then he comes back AGAIN! So Gold drives into him with a car and rams the bastard into a brick wall. Sorted.

* Final scene is filled with a bunch of comic farce and Gold throwing the diamond into the air and smiling, giving us a freeze frame of his pearly whites. And there’s also the twist about Alissa which I can’t be arsed to type as this is already to long…

Now to sum up, I always feel really sorry for Brandon Lee whilst watching this, as even he himself must’ve realise what a turd of a movie he was acting in. It’s a damn shame that he had to struggle with movies like this before he made stuff like Rapid Fire and The Crow, only to have fate decide that his time was up.

You can bet everyone really knew that this was worse than your average American b-movie action trash…Myself and Padz always joke that the reason the character they meet in the desert suddenly disappears in the middle of the night…is because the actor probably took off for real in the middle of the night, in fear of the career damage.

But the great thing about the film being as bad as it is, is that it becomes a guilty pleasure, it becomes funny for all the wrong reasons…and let’s be honest, sometimes movies like that can beat even the greatest comedy classic.

« Last Edit: Jan 28, 2007, 11:51am by Snoog »

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